I love my beard. It is in a word, “Sheer Goddamn Manliness.” There is something to a well kept beard that demands respect. Not a sloppy unkempt one, nor one that is overly manicured. That looks like shit. Don’t ever trim your beard into tiny lines. That makes you look like a pretentious douche. You spend way too much time on your face. You should probably just take that really bad excuse off and start anew.
I have to thank my high school sweetheart for my beard. It was truly my first horrific break-up. But it happened and the next day, I had a beard. Overnight. It was such a glorious occasion. Angels sang and trumpets sounded.
Unfortunately, I had grown up in a repressive beardless society that told me no beards. I didn’t keep one for any period of time after that. Until, Boom, another gut-wrenching, crippling, utter train wreck of a break up. My body did it again. It told me, “Ezra, this is my gift to you. It will comfort you.” So, I didn’t shave for a few months. As previously stated, I maintained it. Trimmed up my neck and cheeks, but a nice full beard it was.
I was also running a small boutique cigar shop at the time. And being young in my years, I didn’t always garner the most respect from “aficionados” that strutted through the door. They thought, “Surely, this young man before me cannot know of the great endeavours that went into the creation of this 8 dollar delight.” (This will be a topic another day; I know more than most and then some.) As the beard grew, though, I noticed that I was actually receiving more creedence from my casual patrons. It was as if I had an air of authority, just by looking a little older.
Beards are not always a great accessory. In the summer, they can be hot. Very hot. But that is when the fun part of beard removal comes into play. You bust out your pair of trimmers, you shave off or down your face. You can make neat patterns. Check out yourself with mutton chops, a goatee, a moustache solo, a Charlie Chaplin moustache? (Side note: Charlie Chaplin Toothbrush Moustache, or the Philtrum Moustache can never be worn in public. Maybe give it another 50 years, but you can thank Hitler for fucking up a perfectly good moustache, as well as fucking up all of Europe.)
Never shave your beard in the winter. This may not be science, but I think that growing a beard encourages your face to keep it oiled. So, in the wintertime, on top of having a super stylish semiperminent balaklava, you keep your face conditioned and prevent wind burn.
I may come back to this topic later, but that is all for now.
Skål. Ezra.
