I like to drink. I really like to. Subsequently, this profession has a few drawbacks. I.E. Slurring ones speech, ruining your chance with hot women, ordering shots for people you just met, and taking home the occasional Unicorn. Another article will cover Unicorns. But Hell hath no fury like an epic hangover. The “I think that a pig pooped in my brain” headache, the body funk, the horrible breath, the sweat the reeks of booze. But when you are a professional drinker, you learn to cope with these problems and hopefully, prevent them from happening. Here is Ezra’s no fail Hangover Cure.
First of all, drink water or Gatorade. You did some serious dehydration calisthenics last night.You need to replace the liquid you lost vomiting or peeing, as well as the electrolytes.
Headache: B.C. Headache powders. They have caffeine, and acetaminophen. They are powdered magic. Your head will be clear in less than five minutes and this will enable you to focus on your other ailments.
Body Funk: You got rid of your headache, but your body still feels like you got hit by a truck. Take a B12, a B4, and a Niacin. Or you can buy them in a convenient liquid form from any neighbourhood store, 5 Hour Energies.
Horrible Breath: Easy. Brush your dags, Swish and Spit with some Listerine. Brush your tongue. Don’t forget to brush your tongue. You probably burnt off most of the top layer anyway with the cigar and chain smoking.
Booze Sweat: Shower. Get some shower gel with an hourly odor protection thing. You will sweat and people around you will know that you were going shot for shot with a midget from Germany. Throw on some antiperspirant/ deodorant. And don’t forget smell goods. Damnit, you want to smell like a man. Get some Bay Rhum. Women go apeshit for Bay Rhum. Never ever resort to Axe. You are of the drinking age, you need to stop using spray meant for a 13 year old.
None of these do it for you? The cure for that is even simpler and you may chose to bypass all of the aforementioned steps for it.
Hair of the Dog That Bit You. This comes from some asinine and archaic legend that you could cure rabies or a wolf bite by ingesting some of the hair. I think that whatever man drew the corollary between dog bites and drinking needs to be beatified and given honorifics, and titles. I prefer a really well made Bloody Mary with an Old Bay rim, but any port in storm will do.
Hope you found this well. Skål.
Ezra
